Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
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Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
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I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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