I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
you traded sex for a burrito?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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