i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
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3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
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I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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