what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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