What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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