He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
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I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
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I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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