swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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