Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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