paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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