He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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