Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
