the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
