I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
