all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
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Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
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I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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