We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
