I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
