That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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