I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I think my fart just growled at me.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Randomize
