I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
