i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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