just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
