Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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