matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
