thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
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Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
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Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.