Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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