if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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