The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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