Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
