just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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