Michael Bay diarrhea
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
