From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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