I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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