cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
