So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
