He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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