he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
