you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
