Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
