I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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