Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
that's an acceptable place to lick
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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