on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
