I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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