I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Too much gin, very little bucket
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
