that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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