I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
