I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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