Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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