I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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