he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
