Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
