You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just tell him i said nine months
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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