Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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