How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
