Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
