guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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