I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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