It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
