Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
