i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
