I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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