4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
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