so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
