he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.