My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
